Wednesday, March 26, 2014

an unbelievably long time

   I haven't written in an unbelievably long time, but looking through my old book makes me want to write again... a broken heart usually has that effect too....

  I honestly thought when I met you that this was it, I'd never have to hurt another day in my life, that I'd found 'the one'. My meaning for existence finally seemed to make sense. Yet somehow, here I am again. Wondering why I let myself care so much and if I ask too much from those I care about.  
   Will it ever add up for me? Is it too risky to put myself out there again? Will I ever heal from this love? Do I want to....
   I found this page that I'd wrote a few months after we'd met, although strangely enough I didn't date it.... I always date my scribblings.... So here it was, and I'm sure you can expect me to start writing again. You know what they say, you're most inspired when you're down and out.

The only times I've ever gotten upset with you were out of fear of abandonment. I love you so much that I'm always terrified to lose you.
How do you describe perfection? It's like you are a part of me. I already know how you're going to feel about something, because it's the same way that I'm feeling. The bible suddenly makes sense when it says that I am created from your rib bone; except when he was separating us he got bored and decided to see how far he could throw-and I ended up in Arizona.
Everything about us just fits and finds a way. For some reason beyond me you have found my trust.
Your constantly doing the things you "should" do, but most guys don't.
You don't mind doing things that make me happy, not because you're trying to earn brownie pts, but because you love it when I'm happy.
I cherish you.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Of all the places "it" could happen...

So here is a little something I wrote on the train ride back from can tell I was in a super self-confidence mood...NOT!

I wanted to find myself…I wanted to fill the hole, that ceased to diminish, no matter what I did. I picked up my life and chased after an idea. I knew what I hoped to find, but never expected what I would find.

I hoped to meet the perfect European man that is portrayed in all our American films….to find myself… to be happy with who I am…find a job in a beautiful country….but honestly, I never really expected any of these things to really happen.

I found my prince charming….and of all the places I could find him, he was in Germany. I thought for sure he would be in England or Ireland. An English speaker, with a too-die for accent. Nope, I found him exactly where my ancestral line starts. I wasn’t looking for him, he just appeared and from the moment we made eye contact and exchanged words my existence had changed. It felt as if I was Jacob from the Twilight Series and I had imprinted. Every string that was holding me together was suddenly drifting away. My heart never felt so settled before.

Me-who am I? If that’s even a possible thing to figure out….well I found out what life keeps pushing in my face time and time again. We are figments of where we have been and the experiences we have made along the way. As much as we run, fly, swim, crawl to get away from it- we are what’s inside.  What did I find about myself again? I suffered an eating disorder and no matter how long I can get away from it, it will win me over again. I am forced to lead a certain life to keep myself in check. I need to see myself a certain way. I know I can be thin and have been bred to see the beauty in skinny. Europe has made this realization all too uncomfortable and unsettling. Europeans are a different kind of thin; not the kind of fit-skinny we are brought up to in America. In Europe the thin people have very soft figures. They are thin because they choose to withhold from food instead of eating healthfully and exercising. You rarely see woman with muscles. It really bothers me. I have to work extremely hard to stay thin, and I tried to “live like them” for 3 months and ended up gaining 5lbs. I think working hard to take care of your body is much more sexy. My weight is seen as normal here, I am no longer considered thin. I am forced to start over back to square one on my diet/exercise program. I need to be happy with me. I am fat and unhappy and wish it would all just disappear. I can’t be a big person-it disgusts me. I hate me right now.

That was almost three weeks ago. No, it hasn't gotten any better yet. Of all the places my eating disorder could start to come back, Germany-really?? It is normal here for the woman to be a little heavier and the men to be thinner than the woman. I am still seen as "thin" here. And my eating disorder is stopping by to say hi, really!!!? At least I am aware of how bad my self image is getting and how unhappy I am becoming. I don't think I need to go into details, but I have decided it is time for a change.
Last time I went off my antidepressants I lost a lot of sleep and gained unwanted weight. This occured to me monday morning. So, I will be getting back on my meds. My most recent doctor told me 'that some people just hit a point where they need to be on antidepressants the rest of their life', who knows if I am at that point. All I know is since I have been off them I have had very little patience with things & people(this is indeed not good when responsible for a child that likes to press your nerves),not been sleeping well most nights of the week (than i am so exhausted i have to sleep well every third night), and have really gotten depressed over my weight gain(and haven't been losing it as fast as i should since i've been back to eating healthy and exercising regularly).

To end this post  on a not so tragic note...Alex & I have fallen in love.He knows all of these crazy feelings I am having and still thinks I'm the most beautiful woman. It's been 4 years and I'm glad I haven't fallen in love since my ex, because I wouldn't have felt this way.
"I have been afraid since I met you. Afraid of losing you. With you everything seems so complete <3 "

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Living Among Eagles...

   I have never before felt this way before. It is completely exhilerating and scary at the same time. I honestly used to doubt that it was truly possible to feel "this way." I always thought the love stories and books were just really good stories we all longed deeply for.
   It all started with a "hallo, sprichst du English?" When those eyes looked into mine I was suddenly bearing my soul. The next morning I was terrified thinking what if he didn't call or feel the same, but something inside of me, told me he was feeling the exact sae way as me and there was nothing too worry about.
   The first few weeks nothing bad ever crossed my mind about what he felt for me. I just "knew" he felt the exact same. Weird I know, I thought so too...but I still was unable to dismiss the feeling.
   It's only been a month, but it just gets better everyday. Every thing new that I learn, I love. When he looks into my eyes, I feel like he really SEES ME. When we are together I feel like we are the only two people in the room. I used to be jealous, I used to be constantly nervous/needy,I used to be embarrassed about PDA...none of these things ever cross my mind with him.
  Ok .I am done making you all puke tonight.....Time to watch Taken with Liam Neison...woohoo,finally!

Monday, May 7, 2012

I haven't been this happy in a long time...

   It's crazy how well everything has just fallen together. This past week has been amazing. I've had some really great starts that I feel in my heart will work out .
   I've been in Germany just over two months now. My first two months here I kept changing my mind about what I thought of living in Germany. I have finally reached a point of stasis.
Family- I have finally got the family I live with quite figured out. I am able to know what is going to happen before I even do it. I understand each of their roles in the family, which has caused things to run a lot smoother.
Fitness- I have had a healthy drive to stay physically fit.I've have taken a deep fondness for bike rides through the woods, where not only can I get a good cardio workout, but I can also catch such beautiful wildlife in it's natural habitat.
Work- I decided I would like to look into get my falconer's license since I miss working with animals and can't find anywhere to volunteer. I got in contact with the VP of the European Falconer's Association that lives in Germany. He directed my info to his colleague who runs a Raptor Rehab Rescue only 20km away. We talked and he would love to have me volunteer handling the raptors......couldn't have worked out more beautifully.
School-My German Integrative Course starts tomorrow and I am very excited. I have a good feeling I will be communicating in German by July with my friends. I have recently been understanding a lot more of what I hear. Plus I found out that it is super attractive when I speak German since I have an accent- there's an incentive to practice!
Friends- Every time I go out I continue to make more friends. Every one is so friendly and fun to be around. I feel like I am part of a group again.
Love- It hasn't been for that long, but I have met someone I can be myself with. I want to be a better person when I'm with them. They are really attractive inside & out.
Future- Very excited to see where it takes me! Ready for the ride,either way. If I Like Germany and want to stay here I will look into starting my own Animal Outreach Company. I could call it "Animal Language" and (besides the fact that they don't have any outreach's in Germany)my big selling point would be that I would teach the children about wildlife in English. Hit two subjects in one presentation : )

That's all for now....Stay Classy World.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

5x7 Folded Card

Mom Noir Rose Mother's Day Card
Get personalized Halloween invitations at Shutterfly.
View the entire collection of cards.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I've Got a German Bf....well almost...

Dating in a different culture is strange. You don't know what to expect. I googled all over the internet "Americans dating German Men"....and didn't find much except stereotypes to expect. Today while hanging out with boy I mentioned these things to him and he shot them all down. Apparently German dating is alot like American dating....going out for coffee, or a movie,or dinner. The only thing he did agree with from my findings is that Germans do tend to go Dutch on dates. My response of course was that American girls like to be taken care of and romanticised.
Maybe i'm making more out of bi-cultural dating than their needs to be. But, either way I am happy to find that I can find a connection with someone who was raised completely different from me.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

First Impressions of Deutschland

February 29th, 2012 I arrived at the Munich Intl Airport. I also began my one year stay in Germany as an Au Pair. This blog is going to now be focused on my stay in Europe. I will write less about my day to day life and more about what I have learned while here.

The German way of eating is very strange. It has taken me the longest to get used to. It is perhaps the only thing about Germany that I don't prefer. I would much rather have American food anyday.
During the week-Germans only have cereal or bread for breakfast, have a warm dinner style lunch or no lunch at all, and have "the tray" for dinner. The tray consists of different cheese spreads and meats.You eat these items on wholegrain bread.You can also have a hard boiled egg with dinner(which they usually eat with mayo).
On the weekend- breakfast is held much later...around 9:30/10am. You bust out "the tray", as well as honey,peanut butter, jellys, and fresh made rolls from a bakery. They use the weekends as their indulgent days. They can eat whatever sweets and chocolate they like. They also typically skip lunch and do Coffee&Cake around 3:30pm. Their cakes are made much different than ours-much less sweet and they looove their coffee. Than they will have a warm meal at dinner time on the weekends.

Somehow the German people are able to eat this way without gaining weight. They are much more careful and strict about how much they can/cannot eat.

Fast food places serve much more "Germanized" foods. For instance: McDonald has Brot Sandwiches and occasional italian menu since Italy is so close. McDonalds even has it's own coffee shop called McCafe which is a sit down full service coffee place. And is actually quite good.

I will say this though, German chocolate is to die for. It is sooo good. They def know what they are doing in the chocolate department. They keep assortments of chocolates and chocolate covered crackers/snacks on hand in their homes. Whenever they invite company over it is custom to bring a gift..the guest usually brings some form of chocolate for all to share.

You can't get many Americanized foods here.....and if you do find them, they are horribly expensive

Wine here is really good and also really cheap. MUCH cheaper than back in the states.

Well, i'm off to bed....I will write more about the people next time.