Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Of all the places "it" could happen...

So here is a little something I wrote on the train ride back from Croatia...you can tell I was in a super self-confidence mood...NOT!

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I wanted to find myself…I wanted to fill the hole, that ceased to diminish, no matter what I did. I picked up my life and chased after an idea. I knew what I hoped to find, but never expected what I would find.

I hoped to meet the perfect European man that is portrayed in all our American films….to find myself… to be happy with who I am…find a job in a beautiful country….but honestly, I never really expected any of these things to really happen.

I found my prince charming….and of all the places I could find him, he was in Germany. I thought for sure he would be in England or Ireland. An English speaker, with a too-die for accent. Nope, I found him exactly where my ancestral line starts. I wasn’t looking for him, he just appeared and from the moment we made eye contact and exchanged words my existence had changed. It felt as if I was Jacob from the Twilight Series and I had imprinted. Every string that was holding me together was suddenly drifting away. My heart never felt so settled before.

Me-who am I? If that’s even a possible thing to figure out….well I found out what life keeps pushing in my face time and time again. We are figments of where we have been and the experiences we have made along the way. As much as we run, fly, swim, crawl to get away from it- we are what’s inside.  What did I find about myself again? I suffered an eating disorder and no matter how long I can get away from it, it will win me over again. I am forced to lead a certain life to keep myself in check. I need to see myself a certain way. I know I can be thin and have been bred to see the beauty in skinny. Europe has made this realization all too uncomfortable and unsettling. Europeans are a different kind of thin; not the kind of fit-skinny we are brought up to in America. In Europe the thin people have very soft figures. They are thin because they choose to withhold from food instead of eating healthfully and exercising. You rarely see woman with muscles. It really bothers me. I have to work extremely hard to stay thin, and I tried to “live like them” for 3 months and ended up gaining 5lbs. I think working hard to take care of your body is much more sexy. My weight is seen as normal here, I am no longer considered thin. I am forced to start over back to square one on my diet/exercise program. I need to be happy with me. I am fat and unhappy and wish it would all just disappear. I can’t be a big person-it disgusts me. I hate me right now.
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That was almost three weeks ago. No, it hasn't gotten any better yet. Of all the places my eating disorder could start to come back, Germany-really?? It is normal here for the woman to be a little heavier and the men to be thinner than the woman. I am still seen as "thin" here. And my eating disorder is stopping by to say hi, really!!!? At least I am aware of how bad my self image is getting and how unhappy I am becoming. I don't think I need to go into details, but I have decided it is time for a change.
Last time I went off my antidepressants I lost a lot of sleep and gained unwanted weight. This occured to me monday morning. So, I will be getting back on my meds. My most recent doctor told me 'that some people just hit a point where they need to be on antidepressants the rest of their life', who knows if I am at that point. All I know is since I have been off them I have had very little patience with things & people(this is indeed not good when responsible for a child that likes to press your nerves),not been sleeping well most nights of the week (than i am so exhausted i have to sleep well every third night), and have really gotten depressed over my weight gain(and haven't been losing it as fast as i should since i've been back to eating healthy and exercising regularly).

To end this post  on a not so tragic note...Alex & I have fallen in love.He knows all of these crazy feelings I am having and still thinks I'm the most beautiful woman. It's been 4 years and I'm glad I haven't fallen in love since my ex, because I wouldn't have felt this way.
"I have been afraid since I met you. Afraid of losing you. With you everything seems so complete <3 "

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